Thursday, June 30, 2011

Kenny Rogers Declares Himself a Work of Art

FACT: Kenny Rogers recently declared himself a work of art. The art world was too scared to say "no."



[These images were taken from Kenny’s personal art museum. When asked, Kenny was quoted as saying: "that Mona Lisa chick and that Van Gough dude can eat my white spot below the belt."]


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Real Reason the NFL is on Strike

Something tells us this is at the heart of the NFLPA and owners' ongoing labor debates.

Thanks for ruining our Autumn, Kenny.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Kenny Rogers Stealth Protection

Fact: Kenny Rogers is not hostile to his own kind...just the rest of humanity.

NEED PROOF? Take a look at all of these people who have successfully avoided enslavement, murder and sodomization by slipping under Kenny's radar.

Guys

Gals

Kids


Mannequins

Gnomes

Dwarves

Hemmingways









Saturday, June 25, 2011

Kenny is Going to Ruin Your Christmas

FACT: Today is exactly six months from Christmas. At this very moment, Kenny Rogers is covertly planning to ruin your holiday.

NEED PROOF? 



  • In an effort to ruin the good reputation of reindeer everywhere, Rogers and that chick from 9-to-5 are having a threesome with Santa's sleigh motors. 







  • Rogers, utilizing his skill in green energy and hedonism, is perfecting a Christmas tree that runs exclusively on the tears of orphans, just like his recording studio. For now, it only comes in white lights...that is until he learns how to harness the limitless energy of puppy whimpers.





  • As we speak, he is wrapping gift boxes with crushed bald eagle eggs and burnt pages of George Washington's diary, thus crumbling our nation's will to live so he can finally found his dream nation, Kennytopia. Take a guess at what the national anthem will be? 









  • This, we're not even sure what's going on, but we're pretty sure it involves draining the planet's oceans until we all learn the lyrics of "Islands in the Stream."

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Kenny Rogers Hates Mexico

FACT: The most powerful and longest-lived hurricane of 1995 was none other than Hurricane Kenneth. The storm began on the coast of Mexico and stretched a reign of terror that nearly reach the Hawaiian islands.

The cause of this 100+MPH disaster? None other than "Hurricane" Kenneth Donald Rogers.

Need Proof? 


1. Satellite views of the twisting ball of death showed it to be primarily white...much like a certain country musician's beard and hair. Odd coincidence, huh?

2. The storm began brewing near the Mexican coast. After performing nanoseconds of research, Death to Kenny Rogers learned Rogers was angry with the Mexican government in 1995 after its refusal to lace its finest export, tequila, with the drug Gamblex™ (Side effects include: white facial hair growth, portraying a Wild West card player and uncontrollable vocal emissions loaded with poker advice). Eye witnesses claim Kenny Rogers turned himself into a hurricane in order to destroy the entire country.


3. Most concerning of all, a trail of these shirts littered the Pacific ocean wherever Hurricane Kenneth's path tread. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Why Death to Kenny Rogers?

As our campaign to disclose Kenny's secrets picks up steam, we get a lot of questions here at Death to Kenny Rogers. Chief among them is "Why?".

Literary super blog We Who are About to Die posed this question to Black Hole Blues' author Patrick Wensink and asked him to interview himself on the subject of Death to Kenny Rogers.

Discover the illuminating results here.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Eco-Friendly Evil

Good News: Kenny Rogers just built a 100% green recording studio.

Bad News: It runs entirely on puppy blood and children's nightmares.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Kenny Rogers Declares "Pants are Illegal"

FACT: At a recent press conference from his underground lair in Nashville, Kenny Rogers told reporters "when I crown myself Dictator of the World...and I will, soon...my first rule will be to outlaw pants. I don't care if you're American, Armenian or Angolan, it'll look something like this and it'll look beautiful."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Kenny's Empire Will Run on Nickels

FACT: Kenny Rogers is planning on taking over the planet and when he crowns himself King, nickels will be the most valuable substance on Earth.

NEED PROOF? Photo evidence obtained by Death to Kenny Rogers suggests Rogers is stockpiling everyone's favorite five-cent buddy via slot machines. Perhaps he's collecting these silver trinkets to rule the world.

OR, more likely, to fill socks with as an environmentally-friendly murder weapon.

OR, even MORE likely, to melt into the 50ft statue of his genitalia he's secretly been planning to sculpt since 1973.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Kenny Rogers is Building an Army

FACT: Since cloning technology is not as advanced as Kenny hoped, he is doing the next best thing and building an army of Kenny impersonators.










Dave "Don't Call me Carl" Karl


Richard "the Real Deal" Hampton












Royal Talent's stable of Kennys [Only valid with Dolly Parton rental]

Marty "Kinda Kenny" Edwards

Seriously, how is it possible there are this many Kenny Rogers look-alikes? We've never seen one at a company picnic or a school fundraiser. What are they doing with all this spare time?

ANSWER: Training in the bloodthirsty art of combat so that one day, General Kenny can lead them into battle against the rest of society that chooses not to grow white beards.

Their marching song will be "Lady."

WHY? As if you needed a reason. Death to Kenny Rogers was unable to locate the rumored Rogers Manifesto that outlines his plans for planetary domination, but we're pretty sure it exists. According to rumors, if intoxicating North America into a stupor with delicious roasted chicken doesn't work, PLAN B involves amassing an army of Kenny Rogerses to storm the White House to gain control of the nuclear bomb. Which, as anyone who's read his biography knows, is the one true reason Kenny got into show business.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Take That, Kenny

Kenny Rogers' least-favorite book, Black Hole Blues has been hauling in a boatload of great reviews. Proving once and for all, Kenny's evil mind control has yet to infect the media.

The Examiner calls it: "Irresistible."

The LEO called it: "An outrageous book."

Orange Alert said it was: "truly special."

Kenny Rogers said: "_______________". Because he and his people still haven't returned my invitation to read the friggin' book he's the villain of.

So, the show must go on. Buy a copy and teach The Gambler a lesson.

Death to Kenny Rogers!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Proof Cell Phones Are Killing Us

This disturbing image was obtained by Death to Kenny Rogers' tireless researchers. While it's becoming more well known that cell phone use might be a cause of brain cancer, we have discovered another reason cell phones might be killing us.

According to witnesses, this app repeats the phrase: "Hey, man, I'll let you borrow my varsity jacket if you suck on your truck's tailpipe like a cigar. That'd crack ol' Kenny up."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Kenny Killed Kennedy

"Is that a white beard on the grassy knoll?"
FACT: President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, TX on November 22, 1963. Many believe his killer was not Lee Harvey Oswald, but another individual.

FACT #2: Kenny Rogers was singing with a jazz group called the Bobby Doyle Trio in...Houston, TX on November 22, 1963.

Doesn't it seem a little too convenient? Upon pretty much zero research Death to Kenny Rogers determined Rogers was most likely the second gunman, because, as we all know, jazz singers are fantastic marksmen. Where was Oliver Stone on this one, huh?
"I put the magic in the magic bullet"


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Kenny Rogers Invented Full House

"Good job, me!"
FACT: Kenny Rogers conceived and wrote the regrettable 90s sitcom Full House. His reasoning was initially to fully break the spirit of the American public via lame hockey and styling gel jokes told by 8-year-olds. However, he discovered a more sinister purpose for his TGIF brainwash-a-thon.







NEED PROOF?
Secret documents and rare show outlines obtained by Death to Kenny Rogers prove that Rogers fully knew that encouraging heterosexual single dudes to cohabitate and raise children would ultimately end in tragedy (also known as the Three Men and a Baby Rule).

As we all know, Rogers' evil plans came true when, in 1996, that infant in Buffalo murdered four men.

The blood is on your hands, Gambler.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Kenny Rogers Invented Identity Theft

Fact: Kenny Rogers did not make his millions by selling records, but rather by counterfeiting U.S. currency.


NEED PROOF? Seriously, do you know anyone who's ever bought one of his records? We don't. Don't you think that's a little suspicious?

The Original Identity Thief

"Not Rogers Again"
Consider this--wouldn't it be shockingly simple for a man who already looks a smidge like Ulysses Grant to create his own line of fraudulent fifties?

And then, wouldn't it be equally easy for that man to launder that money into a child slavery ring and rotisserie chicken restaurant chain in order to live the lifestyle of an unassuming country music sensation? Thus, poisoning America's economy and ear canals.


Yes, we know. Why hasn't anyone come up with this earlier?

Friday, June 3, 2011

Kenny Rogers, the Great Decapitator


Kenny says: "Take your pick! One box has a puppy. The other has its head. Muhuahahahahhahah."




We just got sick in our mouth.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Stroke Victims Healed, Kenny Angry

"This is what I'll do to your neck, Stroke Victims."
Fact: The guy who wrote Freakonomics has a theory called "The Kenny Rogers Effect."

Apparently, when Kenny Rogers is played to stroke victims, their recovery time improves.

Haha! Score one for mankind, Kenny. While you developed this music as a method for torture and slyly get our grandmothers to buy your Tupperware when you go door-to-door, it backfired. Instead, your evil is being used for good!