Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Retraction

Nobody's perfect (*Cough* white-bearded troubadours) even us at Death to Kenny Rogers. Earlier this year we reported that Kenny Rogers Hates Filipinos because, well, Kenny Rogers Roasters' website only lists restaurants in the Philippines.

Turns out we were wrong. The Gambler apparently hates all of Asia with equal zeal.

According to a TIME article, "The Secret Second Life of Kenny Rogers Roasters," these restaurants serving potentially hazardous rotisserie chickens have sprung up, like so many snow-white hairs on Kenny's back, across Asia.

Hmmmm, you know what else has a second life? Zombies.

We're just saying.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Free Kenny Rogers Crap!

To celebrate Black Hole Blues' Kindle release, we're having a giveaway. 
From now until Midnight, September 1, anyone who orders a copy of the book is instantly entitled to some Kenny Rogers ephemera. Over the course of taking the Death to Kenny Rogers game show on the road, Patrick has accumulated Gambler playing cards, Anti-Kenny pins, 8-track tapes, mysterious white beard clippings and more. 
Just email him your address before the deadline and you're in. 
It's that simple. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Kenny Rogers Caught in a Lie

Fact: Kenny Rogers is a liar.

Need Proof? Fair enough. Death to Kenny Rogers has uncovered exclusive audio evidence of Kenny Rogers discussing his favorite things--such as "raindrops on roses," "whiskers on kittens," and "brown paper packages tied up with string."
Hmmmmmm, that's funny. Because after our research we discovered these are not Kenny's favorite things. In fact, his favorite things include, but are not limited to:

  • Three-legged puppies
  • Poisonous rotisserie chicken
  • Tipping waitresses 1%
  • Teasing orphans
Nice try, Gambler. Looks like you got caught red-handed in a lie. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

Kenny Brainwashing Via Rap Music

FACT: Kenny is trying to control our kids through their favorite musical style: hip hop.
Death to Kenny Rogers bravely played these songs backwards to uncover their true, terrifying meaning. After repeated listens, we found the Gambler commanding us to "Grow white beards," "Learn poker," "Steal your mom and dad's money and spend it on rotisserie chicken, y'all."

Chilling. Truly chilling.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

"I See Kenny Rogers."

These poor kids. Listen to their screams of terror upon seeing Kenny's evil motor coach.

We couldn't finish this video without crying. But our initial reaction was that these terrorized screams were not unlike those heard by people spotting the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding into town, living in Hiroshima and seeing the Enola Gay overhead or visiting the restroom after eating a plate full of Kenny Rogers Rotisserie Chicken .

Rest in peace, young drivers. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Kenny's New Award

We'd like to take a moment to applaud this year's recipients of the "Dolly Parton Gold Star," honoring individuals excelling at bald eagle smothering. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Kenny Rogers Muffin Eating Competition

If your nickname is "Muffin," chances are, you are too dead to read this. RIP.

We like that Kenny has taken the time to divide this into "Adult" and "Children" categories. What a gentleman.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Courier-Journal Agrees with Death to Kenny Rogers

The momentum train is leaving the station, Kenny. Watch your ass. Venerable news source, the Courier-Journal, ran a lengthy interview with Death to Kenny Rogers' founder, Patrick Wensink. (Read it here)

“I was kind of bummed about it,” he said. But with his training in PR, Wensink saw an opportunity for viral marketing. “I was taking a shower and I thought: We should start a smear campaign!” The result, a satirical blog called “Death to Kenny Rogers,” purports to document the singer’s crimes against humanity, as if he were the evil twin of the Chuck Norris meme.

Monday, August 1, 2011