Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Officer Kenny Says "Drop your Weapons...and your Inhibitions"

If this isn't proof that we need tougher laws for Impersonating a Police Officer, we don't know what is.

Reportedly, a white-bearded sheriff's deputy driving around in a large bus with the words "Kenny Rogers" airbrushed on the side, was seen pulling over motorists and demanding their license, registrations and rotisserie chickens. The suspect was quoted as saying, "Bein' evil sure works up a man's hunger." 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Kenny Wants to be the World's "Special Friend"; The World Gets Sick on its Shoes

So let us get this straight, Kenny...we're supposed to send you money and our home address and you'll assign a "special friend" to take care of us? 

(we're not even going to get into the entire aspect of how someone without a computer is even going to see this website in the first place)

If you're into playing Russian Roulette with your innocence, be our guest. This screenshot taken from Because, as we all know, all reputable musicians asking us for money and personal info use  .biz addresses.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Kenny Rogers Ruined Michael Jackson's Face

[Welcome to the second installment of Plastic Surgery Week here at Death to Kenny Rogers]

FACT: In a jealous rage, Kenny Rogers ruined young Michael Jackson's face.

Need Proof? It was 1986 and the world was Michael Jackson's flower for the picking...that is until a flower with a white beard, cowboy hat and bloodlust met him at the American Music Awards.

In a pairing that would prove to be as disfiguring as the time the Joker's face met Axis-brand chemicals in Tim Burton's Batman, Kenny Rogers first met Michael Jackson. After we did zero research, we learned Kenny's first words to the King of Pop were, "Hi I'm Kenny it's nice to meet...oh, my, does your nose do that on purpose? I know a guy..."

And the rest was a dismal spiral into rubber-faced hell for the both of them.

WHY? Rumors about why Kenny turned Micheal into a walking Nerf ball are many. However, common sense tells us it was because, like most world wars and genocides, Kenny Rogers' jealousy is to blame.

See, Kenny was planning his own album about leather-clad teen gang members who consider themselves "bad" as well. When he heard about Jackson's upcoming record, he vowed to ruin the handsome, natural-faced young star.

The rest, sadly, is history.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Kenny and Smokey: Robots

Nice try, Kenny. We've heard all the rumors about your obsession with plastic surgery. We've even heard your pal, Smokey Robinson, is in on the fun. But we know it's just a lie.

There's only one way two men go from looking like normal human beings to having glassy, shiny, wrinkle-free skin well into their retirement years: Cyborgs.

Come on, compare and contrast, you know?

So the big question, now, is: Why is there a robot Kenny and a robo-Smokey? Probably some weird sex-thing. We're still uncovering the dirt here at Death to Kenny Rogers. Stay tuned.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Kenny Eats Babies

FACT: Kenny Rogers feeds on infants to keep his skin lustrous and moist.

NEED PROOF? Death to Kenny Rogers obtained photographic evidence of the Gambler dining on the flesh of a newborn baby because he "felt a pimple coming on."
"Mmmmmm...the ear tastes like bread pudding and blood"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Kenny Rogers is Hypnotizing America's Genitals

Fact: Kenny Rogers is hypnotizing America's private parts.

Need Proof? Strange choice of fashion accessories, wouldn't you say? While the Gambler could have chosen hats, t-shirts or bowling bags, Kenny picked belt buckles.

WHY? As everyone knows, buckles are the closest accessory to our sexy parts. Chances are these buckles emit a hypnotic signal to our genitals. Once Kenny has control of our nether regions, genetically engineering our kids to grow white beards and sing about gambling can't be far off.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Cooking With Kenny

"Who's hungry for sadness?"

FACT: Kenny Rogers, sparked by jealousy at the popularity of Julia Child and Emeril, has vowed to win over the culinary community with his own "unique" dining style. 

Need Proof? Chapters include:

Human Flesh: the Poor Man's Rotisserie Chicken

If You're Lucky Enough to Capture an Infant, They're Delicious

Macaroni Salads a la Kenny (now with 20% more bald eagle chunks)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Kenny's World Plans to Ruin Yours

FACT: Death to Kenny Rogers has obtained semi-secret/semi-non-existent papers confirming that Kenny Rogers will be opening his own theme park, Kenny's World.

Humanity should start shivering about now. 

NEED PROOF? For one, Dolly Parton has Dollywood, and we all know Kenny never lets Dolly outdo him. Remember that time in '88 when Kenny got breast implants to show her up?

What will Kenny's World be? From what our moles have determined, the park will have rides, games and concession stands focused on Rogers' two great loves: kitten drowning and grandparent disrespecting.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Kenny Rogers Invented Piracy

FACT: Kenny Rogers likes to boat. And when he passes another boat, he can't help himself but to stop them and lull them to sleep with his singing and then rob them of all their jewels and fancy mustard.

PLUS: C'mon, the pirate flag is named a Jolly Roger. And, call us crazy, but isn't there a resemblance?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Kenny Rogers Shot Abraham Lincoln

FACT: American patriot and president, Abraham Lincoln was shot in Ford's Theater on April 15, 1865. After the shooting, Lincoln's head was severed from his body and stolen. For years, John Wilkes Booth was blamed for the murder and theft. However, recent photo evidence proves otherwise.

NEED PROOF: Take a gander at this recent photo of Kenny Rogers at his underground lair in Nashville.

When asked what he was doing, Rogers claimed: "Drinking Hawaiian Punch out of Lincoln's skull, idiot."

Happy Birthday, America.