Saturday, June 25, 2011

Kenny is Going to Ruin Your Christmas

FACT: Today is exactly six months from Christmas. At this very moment, Kenny Rogers is covertly planning to ruin your holiday.


  • In an effort to ruin the good reputation of reindeer everywhere, Rogers and that chick from 9-to-5 are having a threesome with Santa's sleigh motors. 

  • Rogers, utilizing his skill in green energy and hedonism, is perfecting a Christmas tree that runs exclusively on the tears of orphans, just like his recording studio. For now, it only comes in white lights...that is until he learns how to harness the limitless energy of puppy whimpers.

  • As we speak, he is wrapping gift boxes with crushed bald eagle eggs and burnt pages of George Washington's diary, thus crumbling our nation's will to live so he can finally found his dream nation, Kennytopia. Take a guess at what the national anthem will be? 

  • This, we're not even sure what's going on, but we're pretty sure it involves draining the planet's oceans until we all learn the lyrics of "Islands in the Stream."

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