Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Kenny Rogers is the Unabomber

FACT: There are some suspicious similarities between the Unabomber and one Kenneth Donald Rogers. So many, in fact, Death to Kenny Rogers can prove they are one in the same.

1. The Unabomber has a ratty beard. 

2. The Unabomber wears big, cokehead sunglasses 

3. The Unabomber sends suspicious packages.

[See this video for all the chilling proof you need.]

Monday, May 30, 2011

6666: The Mark of the Beast

FACT: The address for Kenny Rogers' star on the Hollywood Walk of fame is 6666 Hollywood Blvd.

That's one more "6" than even Satan gets. Consider us more than a little freaked out. 


Friday, May 27, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Unveiled: Kenny Rogers' Plan for World Domination

FACT: Using little more than a sparkly shirt and his deep understanding of voodoo mind control techniques, Kenny Rogers attempted to take over the planet in 1985 with "We are the World."
Exclusive footage of Rogers brainwashing Paul Simon
NEED PROOF: Look no further than the below video, filled with thousands of screaming fans cheering Rogers on. Seems kind of odd, since he's wearing a very un-charitable sequin turtleneck, wouldn't you say?
On top of this overwhelming proof, this was a pop song that clocked in at over seven minutes in length! Clearly, nobody has that kind of attention span, even back in the 80s. Death to Kenny Rogers played the track backward and was shocked to discover it loaded with subliminal messages. Take a look at this chilling transcription:

"The Gambler is God. The Gambler is God/ If someone disagrees/stab them with a rod"


"Kenny's heart is tickin'/and black sequin shirts are tough/Just eat his chicken/Let him run your government and stuff"

"Stay away from our children, Kenny"
Thankfully, Cindi Lauper put a stop to all this by shaving Kenny's beard at the Zero Hour, stripping him of voodoo energy.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How the Evil Won a Super Bowl

FACT: The Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback Terry Bradshaw sold his soul to Kenny Rogers in order to win all those Super Bowls in the 70s.


Clearly, Bradshaw realized Kenny Rogers' powers to render opponents, like the Minnesota Vikings, the Dallas Cowboys and Los Angeles Rams, completely limp.

Most likely, this is when Rogers perfected his "Islands in the Stream" tactic. Essentially, Rogers would sing tunes so unmanly to those rough-and-tumble gridiron squads that their testosterone levels would shrivel along with their genitals, setting up an easy win for Bradshaw.

However, as we all know, selling your soul comes at a price. Death to Kenny Rogers has obtained airtight evidence proving, that, in order to keep his beard and hair lustrous, Rogers robs his victims' follicles.  See below:

Before Rogers

After Rogers

Black Hole Blues Available Now

Kenny Rogers' least-favorite book, Black Hole Blues, is now available. It's the story of J. Claude Caruthers, a country singer writing a love song about every woman's name in the English language. The only thing stopping him from this achievement is Kenny Rogers and a black hole. No sweat, right?

Show Kenny we're not going to take his tyranny and buy a copy.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Kenny Rogers Makes Little Boys Swear

"Grrrr, four-letter words rule!"
FACT: Prolonged exposure to Kenny Rogers makes young children swear like truckers.

Need Proof?
Before meeting Kenny "Diablo Blanco" Rogers, this young man sang in the church choir, was a Boy Scout and rescued a record 133 kittens from a tree. After meeting Rogers, things were never the same.

Please, we at Death to Kenny Rogers urge you not to poison our children's future with dirty talk and foul language. So, if you see Kenny Rogers at your local gas station, riverboat casino stage or Satanists Monthly meeting, phone the authorities immediately. 

Friday, May 20, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Whale Hunter

It's a little known fact that Herman Melville's nautical epic, Moby Dick, was inspired of his visions of Kenny Rogers. Melville's ingenious use of symbolism replaced a gold-record hungry Kenny Rogers with a whale-obsessed Ahab.

Further readings prove that Ahab's journey to kill the sea beast mirrors Kenny Rogers' murderous bloodbath of a rise up the country music charts.

"Kenny wants whale steak, baby"
To date, over 14 whale's have died due to Kenny's search for another hit like The Gambler.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Reading Kenny's Mind

What is Kenny thinking?

1. "Mmmmmmmm, I bet your kidneys would go down smooth with a glass of Coors Light."

2. "The best thing about swapping Children's Tylenol out for cyanide at Target is all the free aspirin I have now."

3. "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and when to let a white-bearded man take your grandma to see a live sex show."

Monday, May 16, 2011

Kenny Rogers Children's Center

FACT: Kenny Rogers has a children's rehab facility in Sikeston, MO. We are in no way making fun of this. It's actually very, very cool.

Proving even the world’s most sinister human-esque creatures have a heart. It would not surprise us to next see an Osama Bin Laden Day Care or Kim Jong Il Soup Kitchen.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Kenny's Big Award

FACT: Kenny Rogers recently won a Lifetime Achievement Award for Puppy Drowning.
"I'd like to thank the academy and my total lack of morals."

Monday, May 9, 2011

Kenny Rogers Brainwashed Elderly Muppets

"Scooter, you look yummy."
FACT: Sometime in the late 70s/early 80s Kenny Rogers met a collection of senior citizen Muppets and tricked them into singing that shanty of sin, The Gambler.

NEED PROOF? At their funeral, Muppet creator, Jim Henson, broke the shocking news that each of the three Muppets did not die of natural causes, but of an acute overdose of the prescription drug Gamblex™ (Side effects include: white facial hair growth, portraying a Wild West card player and uncontrollable vocal emissions loaded with poker advice) in order to kill them.

"Oooh, a buffet."
Death to Kenny Rogers' laboratory recently discovered that Muppets are known to thrive in desolate, cold, water-less environments and taste delicious when covered in Caesar dressing. Further proving that Kenny Rogers intends to colonize Mars for his own benefit, surviving on a diet of plush puppets.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Kenny Rogers Brainwashed Johnny Cash

"Nobody suspects a man in silk"
FACT: Country superstar Johnny Cash (voted by Mind Control Monthly magazine as "Nashville's Most Un-Brainwashable Singer") was, in fact, once brainwashed by Kenny Rogers. The results had the gravel-voiced Cash unknowingly covering Rogers' theme song to evil.

NEED PROOF? Audio evidence smuggled into the country via a part-time heroin mule named Kip, proves without a doubt Cash was under the influence of the outlawed prescription drug Gamblex™ (Side effects include: white facial hair growth, portraying a Wild West card player and uncontrollable vocal emissions loaded with poker advice).

Rumor has it this was Rogers' revenge upon Cash for not sharing a plate of chicken wings backstage a the 1986 Country Music Awards.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Kenny Rogers Brainwashed Elvis

"This is my brainwashin' hat"
Fact: Sometime in the late 70s (aka--Fat Elvis Era) Kenny Rogers brainwashed the King of Rock 'n' Roll to sing a sinister anthem to gambling.
Need Proof? After conducting zero minutes of eye-witness interviews, Death to Kenny Rogers concluded that an unknown, bearded assailant slipped Elvis an overdose of the prescription drug Gamblex™ (Side effects include: white facial hair growth, portraying a Wild West card player and uncontrollable vocal emissions loaded with poker advice) in a peanut butter and banana sandwich shortly before this performance. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Kenny Rogers' Medical Mischief

FACT: Kenny Rogers invented the spinal disorder scoliosis.

"And I'd do it again, baby!"

NEED PROOF? Rumor has it he created the painful ailment to secretly inflict upon rival singer Travis Tritt, mistakenly thinking it was cirrhosis. It's a fact that English is not Kenny's first language.

What is?
Ever heard of a little thing called Russian?