Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Line Dance Instegator

FACT: In the mid-1990s a plague of jean short-friendly line dance maneuvers swept the nation like the H1N1 epidemic was supposed to. Chief instigator of this clumsy white man two-step was a song called the "Achy Breaky Heart."
"Thanks, Ken. I owe you one."
Because of this dreaded dancing disease, countless hips were shattered, national hair averages grew to unseasonable lengths on backsides and six cases of cannibalism were reported.

In short, it set America back at least seven years.

The deadly song was reportedly written in 1992 by Nashville songwriter Don Von Tress.

However, when Death to Kenny Rogers attempted to track down Von Tress, we got really bored and gave up. Which means one thing: Kenny Rogers is clearly Don Von Tress.

Take the letters of Von Tress' name, jumble them up and look at them in a mirror. The resulting phrase will appear: "Satan Love AchyBreaky". As readers know, Rogers once struck a deal with the Dark Prince...otherwise there is no logical explanation for FOUR Gambler films.

To our knowledge, Kenny Rogers has never denied writing "Achy Breaky Heart" and was known to be in and around the Nashville area in 1992. Strange coincidence?


  1. Billy Ray was the worst. Now I hate Kenny too!

  2. hahahahahahahahahahahh. mullets.