Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Kenny Rogers Cult

Finally, proof that we are on to something here at Death to Kenny Rogers. This guy seems to be drinking the white-beard flavored Kool-Aid.

We're not so sure about all the Illuminati talk, but it all makes Kenny look like he'd feed you apples laced with razorblades. That sounds about accurate to our researchers.

This poster gets the Death to Kenny Rogers annual Pulitzer for Awesomeness.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Kenny Rogers Hates Filipinos

FACT: Kenny Rogers hates the Philippine Islands and its people. 

Call us crazy, but aren't those the flames of Hell?
"Impossible," you say. "Kenny loves all of God's creatures great, small and even vegetarian," you say.

We at Death to Kenny Rogers say, "wrong answer, Chester."


I'm sure we all remember the Kenny Rogers Roasters Revolt of 1998, when North Americans from Saskatchewan to Guadalajara said: "Enough is enough Mr. Gambler, sir." Once it was discovered the Rogers-themed restaurant only used orphan chickens, or worse, dogs wearing chicken costumes, we all banded together and told Rogers to take a hike, effectively ending his reign of poultry terror.

Or did we?

Death to Kenny Rogers has obtained exclusive evidence culled from millions of taxpayer dollars and minutes of Google searching to discover Kenny has focused his laser of roasted evil on our Pacific pals, the Philippines.

Curiously, every Kenny Rogers Roasters restaurant ON THE PLANET is solely located in the Philippine Islands.

Clearly, Filipinos, you must have an untapped mine of Botox or movie producers willing to make a sixth Gambler film. Either way, watch your asses.

FURTHER PROOF: a 9 minute Kenny Rogers Roasters video for the Philippines, curiously recorded in English.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Kenny Rogers is Trying to Assassinate Me

We here at Death to Kenny Rogers are feeling suspiciously under the weather today. Almost as if there were tiny white-bearded microbes attacking us on the genetic level.

Are you feeling sick too?

We thought so. Because our head is a little stuffy we haven't pieced all the clues together, but we're positive Kenny Rogers is to blame. And somehow--details are fuzzy, though-- we're sure this photo has something to do with it.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Kenny Rogers Wants Our Children

Look who's decided to elbow his way onto the Trapper Keepers of America's children?

Well, guess what Kenny, our kids and their souls are not for sale.

...unless you know a recipe for delicious roasted chicken...damn you, Rogers. You've thought of everything.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Line Dance Instegator

FACT: In the mid-1990s a plague of jean short-friendly line dance maneuvers swept the nation like the H1N1 epidemic was supposed to. Chief instigator of this clumsy white man two-step was a song called the "Achy Breaky Heart."
"Thanks, Ken. I owe you one."
Because of this dreaded dancing disease, countless hips were shattered, national hair averages grew to unseasonable lengths on backsides and six cases of cannibalism were reported.

In short, it set America back at least seven years.

The deadly song was reportedly written in 1992 by Nashville songwriter Don Von Tress.

However, when Death to Kenny Rogers attempted to track down Von Tress, we got really bored and gave up. Which means one thing: Kenny Rogers is clearly Don Von Tress.

Take the letters of Von Tress' name, jumble them up and look at them in a mirror. The resulting phrase will appear: "Satan Love AchyBreaky". As readers know, Rogers once struck a deal with the Dark Prince...otherwise there is no logical explanation for FOUR Gambler films.

To our knowledge, Kenny Rogers has never denied writing "Achy Breaky Heart" and was known to be in and around the Nashville area in 1992. Strange coincidence?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Lame Brother

As anyone who's picked up a newspaper in the last 30 years knows, Kenny Rogers unequivocally proclaims himself to be "the most kick ass of all the Rogers brothers."
"I am the finest of the Rogers progeny"

However, Death to Kenny Rogers has evidence to suggest otherwise.

The distinction of "Most Kick Ass Rogers Brother" would actually be awarded to Leland Rogers, older brother of Kenny.

  • Leland was a 60s psychedelic rock impresario, running International Artists.
  • Meanwhile, little brother managed to grow a beard and sing some songs with Dolly Parton. Big deal.
  • Leland produced albums by psychedelic legends the 13th Floor Elevators and the Red Krayola. 
  • Little brother made a movie where he rode around on a horse and demanded everyone learn when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em or else he'd shoot the entire town. 

  • Rumor has it Leland was supposed to be the first Texan in space. But he was too busy being awesome that day. 
  • Kenny, meanwhile, opened a chain of imitation Boston Market restaurants. Whoopee.

The winner is pretty clear if you ask us. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Kenny Rogers: Murderer

Country superstar Hank Williams died in 1953, supposedly of heart problems.

However, the coroner suspiciously never mentioned the word murder. Kenny Rogers was roughly 15 years old at the time. As everyone knows, 15 is the perfect age for murder. 

Strange coincidence, huh?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Kenny Rogers will be Our Death

FACT: Kenny Rogers moonlights as the grim reaper.

NEED PROOF? Death to Kenny Rogers uncovered this tasty statistical tidbit: Everyone who has ever listened to The Gambler has already died or will die at some point in their life. 


WARNING: View at your own risk