Monday, June 13, 2011

Kenny Rogers is Building an Army

FACT: Since cloning technology is not as advanced as Kenny hoped, he is doing the next best thing and building an army of Kenny impersonators.

Dave "Don't Call me Carl" Karl

Richard "the Real Deal" Hampton

Royal Talent's stable of Kennys [Only valid with Dolly Parton rental]

Marty "Kinda Kenny" Edwards

Seriously, how is it possible there are this many Kenny Rogers look-alikes? We've never seen one at a company picnic or a school fundraiser. What are they doing with all this spare time?

ANSWER: Training in the bloodthirsty art of combat so that one day, General Kenny can lead them into battle against the rest of society that chooses not to grow white beards.

Their marching song will be "Lady."

WHY? As if you needed a reason. Death to Kenny Rogers was unable to locate the rumored Rogers Manifesto that outlines his plans for planetary domination, but we're pretty sure it exists. According to rumors, if intoxicating North America into a stupor with delicious roasted chicken doesn't work, PLAN B involves amassing an army of Kenny Rogerses to storm the White House to gain control of the nuclear bomb. Which, as anyone who's read his biography knows, is the one true reason Kenny got into show business.

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