Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Death of Death to Kenny Rogers?

We've been fighting the good fight for many months, trying to explain how the Gambler is out to steal your soul and brainwash your babies. We've tried convincing people that he'd probably just as much like to eat human flesh as rotisserie chicken.

But, apparently, it was all for not.

Death to Kenny Rogers has obtained exclusive visual evidence that shit is going horribly wrong in this world. Look at all these folks. We're, frankly, losing our will to keep fighting.

Kudos, Kenny. Maybe you can feed us some of your patented Metamucil-Arsenic cocktails next time you swing by our nearest river boat casino.

We still stand behind our apology, though. 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

First Annual Kenny Rogers Orphan BBQ

"Roastin' kiddies ain't no different than chickens"

"Don't worry about the location or time, kids. Kenny will find you. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Kenny Cartoon Headaches

Seriously, Kenny? We know the cartoon is credited to David Sullivan, but this is so bad it gives us a migraine. Which feels suspiciously like listening to your music.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

First Episcopal Church of Kenny Rogers

We're pretty sure that's what this image is from. It sort of says, "Come, worship me, for I am thy island in the stream. If thoust fail, thou shall have thine face stuck like the dude on the far left."

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Kenny Rogers' Evil Tour Rider

A tour rider is sort of a contract an artist sends to a venue, outlining requirements for sounds systems, lights and backstage amenities. The Smoking Gun apparently got a hold of Whitey's tour rider and discovered some interesting stuff:
So, it's safe to say there will be no Kenny Rogers Roasters served?

Fact: If Kenny doesn't get a deli tray, he turns into a warewolf. So long, front row.

Some other interesting demands the Smoking Gun missed, that we tracked down were:
(6) Vestal Virgins [Preferably women, but narwhals will do].
(1) Full catalog of Kenny's albums, spread on a king size bed.
(4) Orphans. [Kenny is strict that no more than (2) will be cute. The remainder MUST be sad and/or homely].
(1) Adult-sized coffin.
(0) Cloves of garlic.
(0) Wooden stakes. 
(0) Angry villagers.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Kenny's Sex Dungeon for Sale!

According to a CNN/Money story Kenny Rogers is selling his 900+ acre Georgia estate, which features an 18-hole golf course.

However, in the $20 million asking price, they fail to mention some of the other amenities, such as the four-room torture chamber and endangered sea turtle BBQ pit.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Neko Case and My Morning Jacket: Brainwashed

When we heard two of our favorite recording artists, Neko Case and My Morning Jacket, performed a duet, we were overcome with symptoms of what doctors call: butterfly belly. 

However, when we discovered just WHAT they sang, we started looking for the nearest oven to stick our head into.
We've covered Kenny's attempts to brainwash everyone from Johnny Cash, to Elvis, to the Muppets even. But this, this has gone too far.

Our best guess as to how this latest brainwashing happened: Kenny most likely took a break from his latest gig at a riverboat casino and claimed it was his 40th birthday. Hypnotized by his facelift, Jim James and Case accidentally ate one of Kenny's "Special" birthday cupcakes [secret ingredient: Gamblex].

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Retraction

Nobody's perfect (*Cough* white-bearded troubadours) even us at Death to Kenny Rogers. Earlier this year we reported that Kenny Rogers Hates Filipinos because, well, Kenny Rogers Roasters' website only lists restaurants in the Philippines.

Turns out we were wrong. The Gambler apparently hates all of Asia with equal zeal.

According to a TIME article, "The Secret Second Life of Kenny Rogers Roasters," these restaurants serving potentially hazardous rotisserie chickens have sprung up, like so many snow-white hairs on Kenny's back, across Asia.

Hmmmm, you know what else has a second life? Zombies.

We're just saying.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Free Kenny Rogers Crap!

To celebrate Black Hole Blues' Kindle release, we're having a giveaway. 
From now until Midnight, September 1, anyone who orders a copy of the book is instantly entitled to some Kenny Rogers ephemera. Over the course of taking the Death to Kenny Rogers game show on the road, Patrick has accumulated Gambler playing cards, Anti-Kenny pins, 8-track tapes, mysterious white beard clippings and more. 
Just email him your address before the deadline and you're in. 
It's that simple. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Kenny Rogers Caught in a Lie

Fact: Kenny Rogers is a liar.

Need Proof? Fair enough. Death to Kenny Rogers has uncovered exclusive audio evidence of Kenny Rogers discussing his favorite things--such as "raindrops on roses," "whiskers on kittens," and "brown paper packages tied up with string."
Hmmmmmm, that's funny. Because after our research we discovered these are not Kenny's favorite things. In fact, his favorite things include, but are not limited to:

  • Three-legged puppies
  • Poisonous rotisserie chicken
  • Tipping waitresses 1%
  • Teasing orphans
Nice try, Gambler. Looks like you got caught red-handed in a lie. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

Kenny Brainwashing Via Rap Music

FACT: Kenny is trying to control our kids through their favorite musical style: hip hop.
Death to Kenny Rogers bravely played these songs backwards to uncover their true, terrifying meaning. After repeated listens, we found the Gambler commanding us to "Grow white beards," "Learn poker," "Steal your mom and dad's money and spend it on rotisserie chicken, y'all."

Chilling. Truly chilling.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

"I See Kenny Rogers."

These poor kids. Listen to their screams of terror upon seeing Kenny's evil motor coach.

We couldn't finish this video without crying. But our initial reaction was that these terrorized screams were not unlike those heard by people spotting the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding into town, living in Hiroshima and seeing the Enola Gay overhead or visiting the restroom after eating a plate full of Kenny Rogers Rotisserie Chicken .

Rest in peace, young drivers. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Kenny's New Award

We'd like to take a moment to applaud this year's recipients of the "Dolly Parton Gold Star," honoring individuals excelling at bald eagle smothering. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Kenny Rogers Muffin Eating Competition

If your nickname is "Muffin," chances are, you are too dead to read this. RIP.

We like that Kenny has taken the time to divide this into "Adult" and "Children" categories. What a gentleman.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Courier-Journal Agrees with Death to Kenny Rogers

The momentum train is leaving the station, Kenny. Watch your ass. Venerable news source, the Courier-Journal, ran a lengthy interview with Death to Kenny Rogers' founder, Patrick Wensink. (Read it here)

“I was kind of bummed about it,” he said. But with his training in PR, Wensink saw an opportunity for viral marketing. “I was taking a shower and I thought: We should start a smear campaign!” The result, a satirical blog called “Death to Kenny Rogers,” purports to document the singer’s crimes against humanity, as if he were the evil twin of the Chuck Norris meme.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Officer Kenny Says "Drop your Weapons...and your Inhibitions"

If this isn't proof that we need tougher laws for Impersonating a Police Officer, we don't know what is.

Reportedly, a white-bearded sheriff's deputy driving around in a large bus with the words "Kenny Rogers" airbrushed on the side, was seen pulling over motorists and demanding their license, registrations and rotisserie chickens. The suspect was quoted as saying, "Bein' evil sure works up a man's hunger." 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Kenny Wants to be the World's "Special Friend"; The World Gets Sick on its Shoes

So let us get this straight, Kenny...we're supposed to send you money and our home address and you'll assign a "special friend" to take care of us? 

(we're not even going to get into the entire aspect of how someone without a computer is even going to see this website in the first place)

If you're into playing Russian Roulette with your innocence, be our guest. This screenshot taken from Because, as we all know, all reputable musicians asking us for money and personal info use  .biz addresses.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Kenny Rogers Ruined Michael Jackson's Face

[Welcome to the second installment of Plastic Surgery Week here at Death to Kenny Rogers]

FACT: In a jealous rage, Kenny Rogers ruined young Michael Jackson's face.

Need Proof? It was 1986 and the world was Michael Jackson's flower for the picking...that is until a flower with a white beard, cowboy hat and bloodlust met him at the American Music Awards.

In a pairing that would prove to be as disfiguring as the time the Joker's face met Axis-brand chemicals in Tim Burton's Batman, Kenny Rogers first met Michael Jackson. After we did zero research, we learned Kenny's first words to the King of Pop were, "Hi I'm Kenny it's nice to meet...oh, my, does your nose do that on purpose? I know a guy..."

And the rest was a dismal spiral into rubber-faced hell for the both of them.

WHY? Rumors about why Kenny turned Micheal into a walking Nerf ball are many. However, common sense tells us it was because, like most world wars and genocides, Kenny Rogers' jealousy is to blame.

See, Kenny was planning his own album about leather-clad teen gang members who consider themselves "bad" as well. When he heard about Jackson's upcoming record, he vowed to ruin the handsome, natural-faced young star.

The rest, sadly, is history.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Kenny and Smokey: Robots

Nice try, Kenny. We've heard all the rumors about your obsession with plastic surgery. We've even heard your pal, Smokey Robinson, is in on the fun. But we know it's just a lie.

There's only one way two men go from looking like normal human beings to having glassy, shiny, wrinkle-free skin well into their retirement years: Cyborgs.

Come on, compare and contrast, you know?

So the big question, now, is: Why is there a robot Kenny and a robo-Smokey? Probably some weird sex-thing. We're still uncovering the dirt here at Death to Kenny Rogers. Stay tuned.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Kenny Eats Babies

FACT: Kenny Rogers feeds on infants to keep his skin lustrous and moist.

NEED PROOF? Death to Kenny Rogers obtained photographic evidence of the Gambler dining on the flesh of a newborn baby because he "felt a pimple coming on."
"Mmmmmm...the ear tastes like bread pudding and blood"

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Kenny Rogers is Hypnotizing America's Genitals

Fact: Kenny Rogers is hypnotizing America's private parts.

Need Proof? Strange choice of fashion accessories, wouldn't you say? While the Gambler could have chosen hats, t-shirts or bowling bags, Kenny picked belt buckles.

WHY? As everyone knows, buckles are the closest accessory to our sexy parts. Chances are these buckles emit a hypnotic signal to our genitals. Once Kenny has control of our nether regions, genetically engineering our kids to grow white beards and sing about gambling can't be far off.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Cooking With Kenny

"Who's hungry for sadness?"

FACT: Kenny Rogers, sparked by jealousy at the popularity of Julia Child and Emeril, has vowed to win over the culinary community with his own "unique" dining style. 

Need Proof? Chapters include:

Human Flesh: the Poor Man's Rotisserie Chicken

If You're Lucky Enough to Capture an Infant, They're Delicious

Macaroni Salads a la Kenny (now with 20% more bald eagle chunks)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Kenny's World Plans to Ruin Yours

FACT: Death to Kenny Rogers has obtained semi-secret/semi-non-existent papers confirming that Kenny Rogers will be opening his own theme park, Kenny's World.

Humanity should start shivering about now. 

NEED PROOF? For one, Dolly Parton has Dollywood, and we all know Kenny never lets Dolly outdo him. Remember that time in '88 when Kenny got breast implants to show her up?

What will Kenny's World be? From what our moles have determined, the park will have rides, games and concession stands focused on Rogers' two great loves: kitten drowning and grandparent disrespecting.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Kenny Rogers Invented Piracy

FACT: Kenny Rogers likes to boat. And when he passes another boat, he can't help himself but to stop them and lull them to sleep with his singing and then rob them of all their jewels and fancy mustard.

PLUS: C'mon, the pirate flag is named a Jolly Roger. And, call us crazy, but isn't there a resemblance?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Kenny Rogers Shot Abraham Lincoln

FACT: American patriot and president, Abraham Lincoln was shot in Ford's Theater on April 15, 1865. After the shooting, Lincoln's head was severed from his body and stolen. For years, John Wilkes Booth was blamed for the murder and theft. However, recent photo evidence proves otherwise.

NEED PROOF: Take a gander at this recent photo of Kenny Rogers at his underground lair in Nashville.

When asked what he was doing, Rogers claimed: "Drinking Hawaiian Punch out of Lincoln's skull, idiot."

Happy Birthday, America.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Kenny Rogers Declares Himself a Work of Art

FACT: Kenny Rogers recently declared himself a work of art. The art world was too scared to say "no."

[These images were taken from Kenny’s personal art museum. When asked, Kenny was quoted as saying: "that Mona Lisa chick and that Van Gough dude can eat my white spot below the belt."]

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Real Reason the NFL is on Strike

Something tells us this is at the heart of the NFLPA and owners' ongoing labor debates.

Thanks for ruining our Autumn, Kenny.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Kenny Rogers Stealth Protection

Fact: Kenny Rogers is not hostile to his own kind...just the rest of humanity.

NEED PROOF? Take a look at all of these people who have successfully avoided enslavement, murder and sodomization by slipping under Kenny's radar.